Doubt: curiosity, a challenge of certainty, honest
wonderings.
Easter: chocolate bunnies, cornerstone of Christian church,
Life out of death.
Hope: longing for something promised, looking ahead with
optimism, basis for maintaining my sanity.
There are three events that have come together in my recent
experience to inform and inspire this post.
For the past 6 months or so, my staff at church has been
practicing a form of Biblical discernment called “Dwelling in the Word”. Every
Tuesday we gather for staff meeting and begin each week with reading, thinking
about, and wondering with Luke 10:1-12 (in my Bible, this is called the “Sending
of the Seventy”). We share and discuss what stands out to us each week and what
this passage of Scripture is making us dwell upon. Sometimes, I get irked by my
coworkers’ enthusiasm and optimism and other times am deeply inspired by the
insights of my colleagues.
About a month ago I reread an article one of my grad school professors had written on Confirmation teachers, mentors, and curriculum. Since
this topic is a major part of my job, I read this article again, a couple of
times. The first time I read it, while still in school, it was an academic exercise.
Now as full-time staff, it is pragmatic and something of a pain in the, well,
guess. Dr. AR talks about doubt being the cornerstone for Confirmation, both in
the things ‘taught’ and the relationships built.
This morning I listened to an archived sermon on wanting to
see the Kingdom of God, preached from text in the Gospel of John, and
illustrated by a Vacation Bible School activity. Children were asked where they
see God, and their answers spanned from the smile of a neighbor to a chocolate chip
cookie. Dr. CK, the preacher of the day at Luther Seminary back in February,
spoke about how we cannot always see the Kingdom of God when we want or try to;
but we know that it is near and it is here. (Link to archived chapel services is here. Look for 2/24/2012, start at time stamp 8:55.)
Now to synthesize these three experiences, these three encounters
with thoughts and ideas about who God is, who I am and who we are, and what the
relationship between God and me/us is.
In Luke 10 we hear the missionaries declare both a word of peace
to another’s house(hold), which leads to the assurance that the Kingdom of God
has come near to that person and their house(hold), and a word of warning and condemnation,
that the Kingdom of God has come near, ready or not, worthy or not, faithful or
not, doubting or not. To the first, this is a word of hope and of promise—to the
other it is a word of fear and of the unknown, the doubted or disbelieved.
AR’s article brings up an idea that doubt is woven into the
fabric of our very beings. He brings up the fact that we hear about the peace
and wholeness (Shalom) that we find in Christ Jesus, but what we experience is
the depression of life, of medical pronouncements of unhealthy unborn babies,
the continuation of mourning—months and years after the passing of one dearly
beloved. We hear about the community of the faithful, but we feel the loneliness
of our callings, the frustrations of our workplaces, and the frailty of human
relationships. A good and gracious God, a loving and forgiving Savior, and
guiding and comforting Spirit, these things sound great on paper, but what is
known is deep anguish, uncertainty, and straight up doubt. And AR is telling me
that doubt must be the curriculum for faith formation in the process of
Confirmation?! Get out of your office and into my classrooms, AR! Seriously!
But seriously? Well, maybe…
CK’s preached word, spoken nearly six weeks ago, the word
that I heard just today, that faith resides is the conviction and the
proclamation of the Good News, the Gospel, the Easter story. We cannot always
see God, the Kingdom of God, the work and ministry of God, but in the simple
yet complex announcement that there is
Good News to be heard, there is faith. Is every detail of the Gospel right and
true and accurate? Maybe not. I doubt it. But the fact that there is Good News
to be proclaimed, announced, hoped for, sought after, heard, read, and
surprised by, in that I find hope and ultimately faith.
So why do I do what I do, why did I study what I studied,
and why oh why do I believe what I believe? How can I rationalize this, make it
logical for the Spock in me, and how the heck to I explain it to the barista at
Starbucks?
Here I live, in the liminal space, the in between, the yes
and the no, the Life in the midst of death, the joy in the face of despair.
Somewhere in the batter of doubt, Truth, hope, experience, immediacy, distance,
Good Friday and Easter living—here is where my faith is mixed, is kneaded,
rises and is pounded down, baked and cooled. Of course, it can’t be as simple
as that—my life is not over, my story had not been completed, I’ve still got
living to do.
But isn't that just the beauty of it all? That I can live with my doubt, can still live with my faith, and can still live in the now and not yet. Yes, that indeed is the beauty of the gift of Life. I may never have it all figured out to anyone's desired levels, but I will still be loved. That's ridiculous, crazy, amazing, and certain.
Peace and Love to you, your household, and whomever you hold dear.
KJ
